Pandas Versus Hairlesses

- January 22, 2022

So put yourself in a panda's place: you're young, you live in a Chinese forest where temperatures are mostly mild, occasionally a little chilly, there's plenty of bamboo around to keep you happily crunching through about 80 pounds a day, (and you have this cool jutting wrist that's perfectly shaped to hold the stalks), you're coming into adulthood weighing in at around 300 pounds nicely distributed over your four-foot-plus frame making you cuddly and cute to the babes looking your way, and nobody in the forest bothers you because you have the ability to smack 'em down, but you don't because you're content with your bamboo, your babes, and your frequent naps wherever you decide to flop. There's a spring in your step and life is good.

Except for all that noise a mile or so over. At first it shocked you and you tucked yourself away deeper into the bamboo forest, still happily munching, and the noise kind of went away at night so there was peace part of the time.

Okay, so your appetite, and those of your friends, have made a dent in nearby bamboo, and you decide to forage around for forest that has fresh growth. You kind of amble outward, away from your usual stomps, and then wham! You come across something you've never seen before. These other creatures – naked creatures; how do they get their fur off, and why would they? – are busy building something. Are they ants? Is it some sort of anthill? No. Anthills get pretty tall, but they don't stretch over miles, as far as you can see.

Whatever it is, it goes on forever, and it's right smack in the middle of the forest, kind of cutting it in two. So now how are you going to get to more bamboo? What the hell?

Hey, wait a minute! The babes are on the other side of it! Seriously, what the hell?

Just when you think you're safe, since the hairless things stopped making those big bangs that killed off all your friends until there were almost none of you left, they come along and build these – things. They cut up all the bamboo and trees and shrubs to do it. Even if there's bamboo left, you can't get to it, because the – things – are in your way.

So there's your problem as a panda: you're protected from poachers (who are fined heavily and punished if they hurt you), but then there's all the pesky human infrastructure - railroads, roads, and dams – eating up your habitat. Jeez!

Fortunately, your country adores you and creates over fifty reserves just for you – and all your fellow bamboo forest lovers. To all the other species that live in your neighborhood from insects to birds, to other mammals, you are a hero, or what humans call an umbrella species. That's why you're protected from the hairless things – some of them aren't so bad, and realized you were in trouble (endangered, nearly extinct) and so they created wildlife protection laws to keep you safe. Poachers are heavily fined and punished, which is why all that deadly banging stuff stopped, though occasionally one of your pals gets caught in a snare, set for other animals, by accident.

Unfortunately, you (and about half of the wild pandas left) happen to be one that doesn't live on any of the reserves, because only about half of the bamboo forests are protected. There are only about 1800 of you and your kind left in the wild, which, though you aren't endangered at the moment, your species is still vulnerable, according to hairless records.

Because the dubious 'progress' of the hairless species never stops, never takes a breath, never gives you a moment's peace.

But some of the hairlesses are trying to help you, right? One group of them, the World Wildlife Fund works really hard to keep you protected, and even made you their mascot years and years ago when they were just starting up. So you, being the umbrella kind of panda that you are, are getting attention for the organization, and others like it, so they can get donations and help pandas and hundreds – maybe thousands – of other species threatened by the other hairlesses who don't care much about anything but themselves.

Hopefully the good hairlesses will help you get back to your babes and some nice, fresh bamboo.

So, reader friend, are you a good hairless? Wanna help? Below are a bunch of ways that you can.

Some good hairless organizations are:

Panda's International

· Website

· Twitter: @pandasint

· Facebook

WWF = World Wide Fund for Nature / World Wildlife Fund:

· Website

· Twitter: @WWF

· Facebook

· Instagram